A Pirate’s Life for Me
1
My name is Andy Burdon. I live in the city of Memphis, Tennessee. Believe me, this is a true story. Believe what you want, but if you get sucked into a different time, don’t come running to me.
The time is 10:37, nearly two hours past my bedtime. I’m reading a book called Treasure Island. I’m not exactly interested in the book; it’s just all the other books I own are about talking ponies.
“Andy!” my mom called. “Are you still awake?” Drat, I thought. How does she always know when I’m awake? My friends say parents install hidden cameras in the corners of our rooms. Even in the bathroom. I’ve checked about twenty times, but I still believe it’s true.
“Uh, no!” I called back, not thinking at all. My mom opened the door.
“Andy,” she said calmly. “You can’t keep staying up this late. You have school tomorrow!” School. Who needs it? You learn how to spell “the” in the sixth grade!
“Now go to bed. You have a big day tomorrow.” She shut the door without another word.
Tomorrow was a big one. It was the day everybody in our grade went to the carnival. They had fun rides, toys, and gift shops. There even was a wishing well!
“All right class, let’s all be on our best behavior,” our Mrs. Goldblume said. There was only one thing I wanted to do at the carnival: make a wish. Legend says that once every twenty years a kid’s wish actually becomes true, but there was always a catch. I thought it was really corny. But I at least wanted to give it a try.
“Make a wish! Any wish! Just one ticket for each wish!” This guy wouldn’t shut up! Man, this guy was like a talking machine.
I shoved a ticket into the employee’s hand and tossed the coin over my right shoulder. I wished to get away from this place for just one day. There was nothing to do here anyway. As the coin sunk to the bottom of the well, everything went black. . .
2
I woke up the next day feeling quite uncomfortable. I looked at my bed. But there was a slight problem. I had no bed! It was gone! Everything was gone! Even my room! I ran out the door. What I saw made me freeze. There were pirates everywhere! They just stared at me, and then said,
“Good day captain!” I had no clue what they were talking about. I ran back inside the cabin and looked at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t believe what I saw. I had a grown up face, with big, bushy eyebrows. My nose was crooked, and I had sleek black hair. I looked in my mid forties. There was only one explanation. The wish had come true. I was away from where I was, but now I was a captain of a pirate ship! So, did that mean that the real captain was . . . me? This was crazy. I barged out the door, nearly knocking it off its hinges.
“Hey captain,” one of them said, “the sun’s almost down. You promised to tell us where it is a sunset.” Now I was just clueless. Tell them where what is? Cologne? They could sure use that.
Meanwhile, back at my house, the captain was about as clueless as I was. What did this strange woman mean by take out the trash? What’s trash in that matter? And what about the clothes he was wearing. Like this so called “underwear.” It was truly fascinating.
“Andy, for the last time, take out the trash!” my mom demanded.
“Arr!” was the captain’s response. Then, something caught his eye. There was a black bag sitting by the door.
“Me buried loot! Arr, how’d it get here?” As the captain reached out to get it, the strange woman picked it up.
“Fine! I’ll take it out!” As my mom reached for the door handle, the captain jumped up on her and started beating her with a loaf of bread.
“Give me back me treasure, lady!” the captain screamed. My mom was caught by surprise and tripped, stumbling outside.
“Andy!” she yelled. “Go up to your room this instant!”
“Give me back me treasure!” the captain answered. My mom sighed.
“Andy, if you insist on being the funny one, I have no choice but to ground you. Now, go up to your room.”
“Give me treasure back!” The captain was not the kind of person to go down without a fight.
“NOW!” my mom bellowed. Well, maybe he was.
3
I was outside, thinking of what the pirates might be talking about. It was almost sun set. One of the crewmembers was growing impatient.
“Alright captain. We’ve waited long enough. Where’s the treasure?” So it was treasure that they wanted!
“Uh . . . um . . . it’s uh . . .” I didn’t no what to say. If I told them where it was and it wasn’t there, they would for sure get rid of me. If I said I didn’t know, well, I’d be swimming with the fishes as well.
“I’m not sure,” is all I could say. Wrong move.
“That’s it!” the pirate shouted. “We’ve waited for days now! Ye promised us ye’d tell us tonight and now ye don’t know? Ye’ll be sorry that ye went back on yer promise. Let’s make’em walk the plank!” All the pirates shouted out in agreement. They raised their swords and moved in on me.
While I was battling an army of crazy pirates, the captain was having even more difficulty trying to eat a hotdog. The hotdog kept on slipping out of the bun.
“Blast this cursed wiener!” he shouted. “This unidentified type of food is going to die!” With that, he took out his knife and started stabbing the hotdog. As he did this, my mom and dad watched in dismay.
“What are we going to do? Should we see a psychiatrist? Should we call a doctor? Should we . . .”
“Honey!” my dad interrupted. “I think a psychiatrist would be the best answer.”
This was the scariest moment of my life. Everybody was poking me with their swords. I jumped. Splash!
“So long, captain!” The cold water burned at my cuts. I had to find land! Gulping for air, I swam toward what looked like a big rock. I swam for nearly half an hour before I reached the island, or what I thought was an island. It was too hard. My arms and legs ached from swimming so much. Then, I heard voices.
“He’s our only catch of the day. Should we throw him back?”
“No, he’ll do just fine. Let’s let him rest for now.” Within seconds, I was sound asleep.
4
I woke up, as sore as ever. But where was I? What was I doing here? The memories rushed back into my mind. The wish, it coming true, the swimming, and then those voices. I wondered if I had imagined them. Then I realized that couldn’t be true, in less I magically got onto this ship. After a while I also realized what I was singing on. This is how I, being the mature person I am, handled this situation.
“I’M LAYING ON A SQUID!!” I burst through the cabin door, my arms flailing over my head.
“Hold up, mate. Don’t want ye ta wake the dead.” I stopped running. In front of me stood a pirate. He had a patch over his right eye, and a peg instead of a left leg. He had a black, sailor’s hat and a long, black beard.
“Who are you?” I asked. The pirate chuckled.
“Te better question is who are ye?” He chuckled again. “Te name’s James Newton. Captain James Newton. Ye’re aboard ta Scavenger. She’s a beauty an’ she?” I hadn’t noticed it, but this ship was huge! It had to be over half an acre long.
“Now that’s out o ta way, who are ye?” Uh oh. The whole time I’ve been here, I still hadn’t known who I actually was.
“Um . . . captain . . . uh . . . Blackbacon! Yeah, Captain Blackbacon.” Blackbacon? Who was I kidding? That couldn’t fool a rock!
“Welcome aboard Captain Blackbacon!” James bellowed. Well, I guess rocks are pretty smart now.
The captain was now sitting on a comfortable couch in front of a psychiatrist. He had been here only fifteen hours, and yet he was already adapting to this strange new place.
“So Andy. Tell me the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to you.” I would have been bored to death if I had to do this, but when you’re a pirate from the thirteenth century who somehow managed to reach the twenty first century, nothing is boring.
“When I finally mastered to eat them blasted wieners!” My mom looked at the psychiatrist with an “I told you so” look.
“Well that certainly sounds exciting. So tell me about yourself.” The captain didn’t know where to begin.
“Well,” the captain started, “when I was about five years old me granddad taught me how ta capture a shark with me bear hands. When I was ten, I learned how ta use a sword. At age nineteen, I learned how ta steer a ship. And when I was only twenty-seven I became the captain of me own crew.” The psychiatrist just stared. She obviously didn’t believe a word he said.
“Thank you, Andy. I think we’ll schedule another conference tomorrow afternoon.” She gave a quick glance at my parents. My mom looked like she was going to cry.
5
It was a hot, humid afternoon. I was thinking about what I had been through this past day. Wait, a day! A DAY! I had wished to get away from there for a day. Just a day, not a month, not a year, a day! Now I was thinking faster than I ever had before. My heart was pumping probably 150 beets per minute. So, I first woke up at about seven o’clock. So that means I had been asleep for about . . . wait a minute. I never figured out how long I had been asleep. This stunk. I had no idea when I would get back to my time. How I would get back to my time for that matter. What if something bad happened?
“So, captain Radford, ye ended up survivin’ ta plank, eh?” I spun around, to come face to face with a pirate from my crew. So my name was Radford.
“Well, we aren’t goin’ ta make no more mistakes this time,” he continued, raising his sword. As he did this, he got hit with a big surprise. Literally. While the pirate and I were talking (well, he was) James had decided to do a little surprise attack. Grasping a rope tightly, he leaped into the air and knocked the pirate to the ground.
“Ya ain’ messin with this here pirate,” he said, “because if ye do, ye’ll have ta go through me first!” The other pirate chuckled.
“I ain’ here all alone ye know,” he said. “I got me whole crew waitin’ to attack. James frowned, then turned to me.
“Well, I said he couldn’t go through me. He’s got a whole crew. Ye’re on yer own, mate.” With that, he jumped over the side into the ocean. I was now corned. There were pirates leaping onto the ship. Reached into my pocket, but I had no sword. But I smiled anyway. I had something better. Our class was going to eat lunch at the carnival. My mom always packed the most disgusting foods in the world. But today, she had packed something special—six month old broccoli!
“Stand back!” I yelled. “I have broccoli!” The pirates stopped and sniffed the air. If you could describe disgusting, this was it.
“Evil spirits have brought this smell down upon us!” a pirate cried. “We must retreat!” One by one, the pirates jumped into the ocean, swam to their boat, and paddled as fast as they could all the way back to their ship.
Satisfied, I collapsed onto the hard, dirty ship floor. That was close. Too close. I wondered when the day would end. Then, I got my answer.
A green light appeared right before me. It started out small, then grew, and grew, and grew, until it was the size of the ship. Before I knew it, I was hurdling into the green hole . . .
At the time, the captain (Radford) was telling the hot dog that he had won, and was gloating about it.
“Ye thought ye could outsmart ta great Captain Radford, eh? Ye thought ye had defeated me, eh? You . . .” But Radford got cut off. The next thing he knew, he was in his own body, on James’ ship. I meanwhile, was in my kitchen eating a hot dog, in my own body.
“Yes!” I said, glad to be back. Just then, my mom came through the kitchen door.
“Mom!” I ran and hugged her, and she let out a huge sigh of relief.
“You’re back,” she said under her breath. Although this is all touchy, I must go back to Radford one last time. For he was having a very intelligent conversation.
“ . . .and that’s how I mastered to get me loot back, defeat that strange woman, and finally master to eat them blasted wieners!”